Msg # 8505 Date: 24 May 94 07:10:00 From: Bob Johnstone To: Chris Rensing Subj: RE: GOOD FRIENDS ____________________________________________________________________________ >JB> is a key factor. You must BE a great friend, to get one. > > I have heard this before, but I don't believe it. That hasn't been > my observation or experience. One can do a person a favour, and get > nothing in return. I suppose it depends on whether or not what you are > doing for another has any motives for something in return. A friend does things for others without any expectation of anything in return. If you get it, it is a bonus. But you DO it because of the pleasure that you get out of doing things for others. > I use to invite my husband's friends over for dinner. But they never > even said thank you, so I stopped having them over. And they never > invited us back either. If you never expect even a thank you, there is no loss when you dont get one. Some were not taught manners as children, so you cant expect those individuals to say thank you. If they like you or feel you are friends, they will invite you back. It might take longer than you want, if you dont keep inviting them over, until they invite you, are you really a friend? If you invite them several times, and they dont invite you to their home, did you ever think they might even be _ashamed_ to invite you to their house. If it is not kept as nice or the dont have as much money, that could stop them. We invite friends to our home, regardless of how it looks. When both my wife and I worked we could not keep it as neat and clean, we went to a friends home who was an attorney, he had ONE client who paid him a retainer of $100,000 per year, and was making millions. He owned a vacation home which cost 1/4 million, and gave us the keys to it and said we could use it, the boat, rec vehicles there, et al any time we chose. We invited his family to eat with us, we could not afford to put on a spread like he could, but FRIENDS dont come to eat high on the hog, they come because they want to spend the time with you. If they only come to eat, they are not friends but aquaintences. > I personally don't believe that people ever do anything for anybody > without at least there being, at the subconscious level, a desire > for something to be done in return. And I don't necessarily think that > this is pure selfishness either. I think it is human nature. Sorry you have had such experiences in life that you believe this, but that does not make it true. Every day I do things for others without expecting anything in return. I do them even for those I KNOW cant give me anything in return except their friendship. Sometimes situations will change, and then they do. One friend is disabled, on SSI and has been ever since 1972 when I met him. He was raising 3 children and could never afford to eat out. On a regular basis, I would take him out just because I wanted to be with him. This went on for years, BUT, I knew IF he could have afforded it, he would have taken me out to lunch also. As the years passed, I began working more and more with those who were disabled or had catestropic illnesses and no insurance. I gave them sessions FREE, I even lied so they would not be embarrassed to accept them. I told them I had a research grant which paid for the time. It was more important to me to help those who needed it and could not afford it, than it was to make money. Eventually I retired. Because I worked with so many other for nothing, I could never afford to buy my own home, but the SELF-SATISFACTION of doing what we did, my wife worked and wanted me to help others, so she even paid part of my office expenses the last years as my income could not pay them. So she feels that thru me, she was helping others also. Now, my friend who never could afford to do anything for me, inherited some money from his father. He heard I had an opportunety to purchase a Mobile Home, but did not even have the money for a down payment. HE LOANED ME the entire amount to pay for it, and did so WITHOUT INTEREST..... Then I began paying him payments to pay it back as fast as possible. He was happy to finaly be able to do something for me, and has taken US out to dinner about once or twice a month ever since he got the money. (He was also able to purchase his own Mobile Home and pay it off completely.) My father always used to say, "Cast your bread upon the waters, and it comes back as sandwich's!" No, not everyone can treat you equally, and many wont, but I have found from my experience that when I treat everyone as a friend, many respond, some more than others. Over the years, you find who are real friends, and those who are aquaintences..... I have had many friends help me when I needed it, too many stories to even begin to tell, if you ARE a friend, you will FIND friends. When I had an accident in NV, a friend drove over 1000 miles to pick me up from the hospital and bring me home because I could not drive. Another when my motorcycle broke down on a holiday weekend, drove over 500 miles round trip to pick me and the motorcycle up in his trailer and bring me home. People do things like this for me, because they KNOW that I will go this far for them. --- FLAME v1.0 * Origin: For PTSD or Emotions & Physical HELP 714-525-1706 (1:10/25) PATH: 10/25 103/501 121 3615/50 138/103 1 352/3 410 03