Msg # 8681 Date: 26 May 94 12:05:00 From: Bob Johnstone To: Chris Rensing Subj: RE: NEW TO THE AREA ____________________________________________________________________________ >BJ> IF you date someone three times and find any MAJOR problem in that >BJ> relationship, DO NOT DATE THEM AGAIN, regardless of how much you might >BJ> think you can change them. People have enough problems trying to >BJ> change themselves, not even therapists can change others. > > You are right above, as I learned the hard way in my life. I seem to > develop an ideal of my "beloved." Based on the good things that I fall > in love with, and my vision of what that person could "be." Just > recently I have been realizing that just because a person has a trait > or ability that is very loveable, doesn't mean that they will meet the > rest of your needs. Or in my personal case, come close to it. Many times we are attracted to other, because they remind us in some way of someone we loved as a child. It can be a combination of individuals, it can blind us to other parts of their personality which we dont like. When we get into a primary relationship with them, when we spend a lot of time with them, we are then forced to pay attention to them eventually, then we become disillusioned. This happened even with my first wife. I was in "love" with the girl I knew for 13 years as my sisters best friend. She was also a lot like my sister during those years. But she would have nothing to do with me. After not seeing her for over seven years, I came home from the service, and she had asked my siser to have me call her. We talked on the phone for three hours, and her father suggested that I come for dinner instead of paying such a long distance bill. We began dating, I still thought of her as the same person she had been before. In less than a month, she asked me to marry her, and I jumped at the opportunety. We were married in a week, full church wedding and all in the church we grew up in, dont know how her mother ever did it. [grin] Later she said, "you are like a brother to me, it is like incest to live with you and I cant stand it. I dont really love you, but married you because you treated me better than all the other men I met, and was on the rebound from one that I had intended to marry." Today I understand this, then I could not. > But what causes one to cling so ferociously to the ideal myth of > the perfection that "can be created," in one's mind about someone? The subconscious programming, or in effect hypnotic suggestions. > And what ideas can you provide for a person to NOT do that from the start. Date as many as possible. Look in places for them that you have not been looking in the past. Do not "look" for a man to marry, but for things which interest you in life. If you enjoy hiking, go hiking and join a club which does. If you enjoy swimming, join a club. If you enjoy studying, take classes. If you enjoy church, and there are no men in the one you go to that appeal to you, go to another church where they have a singles club. If you like to skate or ski, go participate in them. If you like to read, spend time in the library. Make a list of the things YOU like to do, then make time to do them, there may even be things you wanted to do ten years ago, but did not have the money or time, and you can do them now. There are even religious publications with advertisements in them where singles are looking for relationships. One of my clients met a man thru such an adv, and gave up her whole career to marry him, because she had to move to Alaska to do so. That was eight years ago, and she has never regretted it. She said, "I did not want to do so at first, then decided that instead of managing the business I was, I could begin my own in Alaska." She talked to him about it, he was all excited and said he was willing to invest his own money to help her get started. They were married in three months. > As it is easy to say that you will stop dating someone who has a major > problem, but it is another thing to practice it. It is easier to do so, when you have more "choices" if you date one person exclusively too fast, you cut off your choices. When I was back in the dating game, I determined that I would NOT do so, that I would not become sexually involved with _anyone_ until I was sure that it was my best choice. A couple of women even asked me if I was "gay" (my wife still laughs at that) because I was not willing to jump into bed with them, as soon as they were ready to have me. In this age of AIDS, it is much more important NOT to do so, and you have a reason which is also more acceptable to others. One man who went thru a "computerized" dating service, dated 27 women before he even found the first one he was interested in dating more than three times. HE kept looking, and eventually met 6 who were interesting enough to continue dating. He dated all of the long enough to get to know them much better, he went to all of their homes, to see how they treated their parents and siblings. People can fool you during dating, but they are too much in the habit of treating others they know they way they do to change. How they treat them, will be a good example of how they will treat you in the future. IF they dont want to visit with their relatives or dont HAVE any other friends, BE AWARE that this can be a warning sign, they wont be your friend in the future. Remember, condoms break. Much more often even than the media says. They may be made better today, but in the years that I used them, 3-5 out of 10 broke. They are not "safe" just safer than without them. If a man is not willing to wait, be aware that his only interest in you may be sexual. If a many says he will "die" if he does not have sex, it is a lie. No one has ever died from abstinence yet. [grin] --- FLAME v1.0 * Origin: For PTSD or Emotions & Physical HELP 714-525-1706 (1:10/25) PATH: 10/25 103/501 121 3615/50 138/103 1 352/3 410 03